GONG. hehe. chose rooms today... gonna take kisstea's room :D andd hannah's been made head boarder O_O yayness. i'm sooooo excited. see the happiness on my face. :DDDDDDDDDDD lolness. anyways sch was pretty boring today. maths was maths...the norm. had appointment with pammy again. she's really helping i'm feeling slightly more positive and better... i'm glad i'm seeing her. during science i got filmed for this promo vid for the sch... doing science experiments... ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOO how exciting. lolness x2. and tmr im gonna get filmed for computing... yayness x2. tutor was pretty fun too.. did yoga. so relaxing. anyways today's been a pretty boring day. cant wait till prep's over :D. yay.
Thursday, October 26, 2006 @ 9:02 PM
  everyday... its getting harder and harder to hold on. i'm afraid that one day i'm gonna lose it... i don't wanna do something stupid. but i'm afraid that i just might. i have to keep my phone away from me.. cos i'm afraid that i might just dial up my mom and tell her everything. i have to stay away from the kitchen... cos i'm afraid that i might binge on everything in there. i have to put on a fake 'happy voice' everytime i talk to my mom... cos i dun want her to find out. that i'm such a failure that i can't do anything right. that i'm a coward that i can't make friends. that i'm not really smart. that i'm fat. that i'm prolly the worst daughter a mother could ask for.
i wish i was dead. every night before i go to bed, i pray that i won't wake up the next day. that i'd just die peacefully in my sleep.
i wish i could talk to someone. someone who really wanted to listen to me. not because they have to. someone who won't judge me by wat they hear. someone who would love me for who i am.
i almost brought a penknife to my hand the other day. everyone was in the room too... i'm surprised no one noticed. i almost cut deep enough too.. almost. i couldnt even do it. i'm such a coward.
i'm a useless piece of crap.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006 @ 12:57 AM
  its at times like this, when i really wish i was dead. u think i dont know what your saying about me at the dinner table? well reality check: i do. you guys call yourselves friends. bullshit. i take everything that i ever said to you guys back. you're the worst friends i've ever had in my life. what do you think i am? some little dummy that doesn't realise that you're talking about me? well you're wrong. no wonder ppl think you're a bitch. its cos you are one.
Monday, October 23, 2006 @ 10:43 PM
  bloody hell its hot today. schools getting so weird nowadays. victoria's clinging to me like a leech its so annoying. cos cara and stuff told her they dun wanna hang out with her anymore. lol. and now she staying with me all the time.. its so annoying... argh. oh well.. gotta sort that out. saw the councillor today. it was actually really gd. i hope that i get better with her help. she was really nice. i told her everything that's been going on. and i was so surprised when she said i wasn't actually very depressed...but i have an anxiety problem... i worry about things too much. woah. and she was really really upset when i told her about what corey and gang said about me.. you should have seen her face. lol x2. she even asked for their names... but i dun really know who exactly said what... so i just said i'm not sure of the names... she was so worried she said she wanted to refer me to a gp... but then they'd have to tell my parents. cos they might put me on medication. i dun want my parents to find out. they're gonna think i'm a failure. i can't take it. i dun wanna see those looks on their faces.. 'their daughter's a failure' argh. oh well. i know i'm a failure. i just dun want them to find out.
Saturday, October 21, 2006 @ 9:08 PM
  tmrs the mock-fucking-tail party. how fun. i absolutely cannot wait to see him and make a complete fool of myself. like i always do. i'm such an idiot. but anyways, i'm gonna try on my dress later...make sure that it fits nice and good so i dun have to put safety pins on it tmr lol. and yeahh i sooo cant wait. i mean, i like the fact that i get to dress up and stuff... thats ALWAYS fun. but having to go to a party with the stupid ppl in hutchins and collegiate... thats a little harsh. oh well.. i'm gonna have to get over it. i dun have a choice. oh well...x2 studied some math today... got a test on tuesday and i wont have time to study tmr so... i had to study today... but stupid me i forgot to bring my math file back so i gotta study the worksheets tmr. oh well i'm gonna have to find some time to do that. i ate sooo much at uncle dhara's house yesterday feel like a pig. soo i havent eaten much today.. just brekkie. i'll have something a little later... maybe a sandwich or some fruit. why is he talking to me on msn? thats so weird. i never talk to him its always he who starts convos nowadays. wats wrong with him? watever.. he's weird.
Friday, October 20, 2006 @ 5:39 PM
  yesterday was probably one of the worst and best days of my life. i was crying the night before... cos i told kelsey that i hated her and i never wanted to talk to her again. obviously i didnt mean it. but i was so upset and angry that it all just came out like that. sooo yesterday she did exactly that. she didnt look at me, talk to me, or have anything to do with me. i was hurting so much inside. during the talk thingy at oglive, no one would sit next to me in the hall...so ms forward ended up sitting next to me. it hurt to think that my classmates didnt like me that much. then during lunch, tharinee started yelling at me...she said that i was selfish, that i was hurting everyone else too, that i didn't care about anyone else but myself. everything she said was true. i was crying on the deck for the longest time... i think everyone saw. i couldnt even eat lunch. no mood at all. after that i had to get away from everyone... so i went into the locker room at sat in the little corner so no one could see me. i think mr gooley did, though. cos during english ms forward sat down with me for like 1/2 hr and she talked to me and tried to make me feel better.. i did feel a little better after that. i told her about everything...well almost everything. and she said she had to tell mrs sarg about it. so she did. and she gave me two dvds to watch during the weekend :D she's so nice. she's the best teacher ever. and after school mrs sarg talked to me and told me that i should see a councillor. so i am. tuesdays 9 45am. i'm scared. but relieved at the same time. i hope it helps. i really do.
Thursday, October 19, 2006 @ 7:23 PM
  i wish i was dead. seriously. kelsey's abandoned me. so has louise. wait, she was never there for me in the first place. tamsin and clare abandoned me a long time ago. i have no one. last night, i could hear what mo, joyce and erwin were saying about me. they don't understand. everything's going wrong in life. i'm never happy for more than a few hours. what's the point in living anymore?
Sunday, October 15, 2006 @ 11:07 PM
  gosh i was sleepy today. so darn tired. but yeahh um subject lines came out today... my accounting and english communications clashed :( sadness.. but it kinda got sorted out.. although i dunno if i'm happy or not. lolness. i'm gonna take english at hutchins..line 4. and i'll take accounting at fahan. i hope the teacher's gd there... cos no one beats ms forward. she's awesome. :D and my free's on line 5.. so that means friday afternoon's off! :D sooo happy about that... hehe.
@ 1:12 AM
  arghness. so confused at the moment. went into town with sabino today. just as friends btw. it was alright at first... but then i dunno what got into me. he started bugging me about my name and i just didn't feel like talking anymore. i dunno... when he was saying all that stuff something ticked in me and i realised that i shouldn't have any friends. i don't treat my friends well. i'm a loser. i should die. so down right now.
Saturday, October 14, 2006 @ 1:42 AM
  today was funness. went to town with erwin. lolness. had a 'sister only' day. haha. but yeahh we had lunch at this real gd indian restaurant... god reminds me of home sooo much. :D then we walked around...got kisstea's present and got mom something at the same time. really cool stuff too. its this box with an angel in it and a little msg saying stuff about how whenever u feel lonely and down always remember that the angels are watching and looking down at you. its sooo cool. but yeahh then we watched 'the departed' fuck was it good. its sooo sad. thats why ppl shouldnt get invovled with the fbi or crime investigation or the police force... or the mafia. cos you always end up dead. learn your lessons fellas. but yeahh it was really good. gosh leaonardo dicaprio had a hot bod. six pack and everything. fuck. lolness x2. then we came back... and i wrapped kisstea's present and went over to give it to her. yakked for a bit... and now i'm here. spring fair tmr. gonna help at ms forward's stall. amnesty. its gonna be awesome. and i'm only helping out for like 1/2 hr so its not that bad. uncle dhara's gonna be there too. soo yeahhh i gotta be 'well-behaved' lolness x3. anyways can't wait for monday! gonna look for jobs with ms forward. she said she's gonna write a reccommendation letter for me :D and she's gonna help me write my resume and fill in applications. :D x2.
Thursday, October 12, 2006 @ 12:22 AM
  okay. i've had it. you don't want us to sit with you? fine. i don't care. i'm used to not having friends. but at least say it to my face instead of running away before i can ask. thanks a lot for being my friends.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 @ 4:15 PM
  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? argh i feel so helpless everyone's telling me to talk to them and open up... but i just can't. what am i supposed to say? that i'm severely depressed cos i feel lonely and isolated and that i think i'm a failure and i'm ugly and short and fat and hairy and stupid and boring and useless and a suck-up and anti-social and sad and unapproachable and everything i wish i was not. and not to mention my severe lack of friends...how many do i have? i bet i can count them with my fingers. 1. there's dal. 2. and ahnu...oh wait, i just remembered: she's no longer my friend after what happened yesterday. 3. um there's louise...she always sits with me during recess and lunch and stuff but then she disappears with biannca and i'm always left alone. 4. there's felicity...but then again she's got her own set of friends. 5. kelsey? i don't even know if she's my friend. she says she is but she doesn't treat me like one. she doesn't sit with me during lunch or recess and she doesn't talk to me during art lessons or during tutor. 6. tamsin? doesn't talk to me anymore. 7. clare? doesn't talk to me anymore. 8. then there's sabino..but then again i hardly see him. 9. there's row. 10. and christie but i don't see her much..only during dinner and weekends.
that's about it actually..so i total i have 5 friends in the whole entire world. how lovely.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 @ 11:14 PM
  Ahnushka says: What did they do this time?
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: why r u asking
Ahnushka says: BecauseI want to know.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: no.
Ahnushka says: I want to know what horrible things these people are doing for you to put that on your msn nickname.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: ur just gonna tell me off like you always do
Ahnushka says: You're right.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: i'm not in the mood to get told off
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: sorry
Ahnushka says: No one's ever in the mood to get told off.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Ahnushka says: But I think you need a reality check. If they make a mistake, god, they're only human.
Ahnushka says: Do you think everytime Dal pisses me off I go write about it on my msn nickname? or I get pissed off enough to tell her she's not my friend? No. She doesthe same with me if I piss her off.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: you dont understand wats going on
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: stop making fucking judgements
Ahnushka says: Because you don't tell me!
Ahnushka says: Then I'm forced to make judgements.
Ahnushka says: God Guri, let someone in, tell them.
Ahnushka says: Open yourself up to something
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: well i prolly dont tell you cos u wouldnt wanna know anyway you'd still tell me off u never support me all u do is yell at me
Ahnushka says: I do not yell. And I support whoever is fair.
Ahnushka says: Trust me.
Ahnushka says: Why would I support someone I do not know? Unless I thought they were fair.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: no.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: i don't trust people anymore
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: all they ever do is hurt u in the ned
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: *end
Ahnushka says: Then maybe that's yyour problem right there.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: its true its happened to me so many times that i'm sick of trusting people
Ahnushka says: So wait,if you tell me, what do you lose?
Ahnushka says: If you tell me what your friends did to you, what do you lose.
Ahnushka says: how does that have anything to do with trust>
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: u might tell someone else
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: u might use it against me
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: u can do lots of things
Ahnushka says: Why would I tell someone else?
Ahnushka says: Who would I tell?
Ahnushka says: And how could I use it against you/
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: u could tell my mother or anyone...they'd think i was crazy like everyone else
Ahnushka says: You know what? I can't believe you'd think I'd tell someone.
Ahnushka says: God, whatever.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: i told you
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: i don't trust anyone
Ahnushka says: Yeah, you just keep it that way. Let's see how many friends you'll end up loosing.
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: it doesnt matter anymore ahnu i already know i have none
(K)Pretty(K)Chocomocholicious(K) And once again you've proven that friends really don't exist(W) says: i didnt have many from the start anyway
Ahnushka says: That negativity is going to get you nowhere and I don't feel like talking so bye.
thanks a lot for being my 'best friend'
@ 10:45 PM
  Took the fire inside One too many times He bends and he breaks If you give they will take away His passion, his pain, his grace
He exhales, A thousand black flowers explode into butterflies as they're away
Rip them out, take them, Burn to coals as they crush and Leave nothing that resembles a soul of a man (See him numb, see him crushed) See him numb, See him crushed Rip them out, take them Burn to coals as they crush and Leave nothing that resembles a soul of a man (Leave him numb. leave him crushed) Leave him numb, leave him crushed
He's burning over and out now, He flails Up against the raging tides, No more fights Everything you ever wanted to see, See it in his eyes One more time, one more time
Climb down to test the waters, My hands feel like they're rusting away, yeah, So I'll pace around like a lamb before the slaughter I'll stay here as long as you let me, Decisions been made obvious so I will return Where I started I'll stay here Unfinished I'll wither away
Rip them out, take them, Burn to coals as they crush and Leave nothing that resembles a soul of a man (See him numb, See him crushed) See him numb, See him crushed Rip them out, take them Burn to coals as they crush and Leave nothing that resembles a soul of a man (Leave him numb, Leave him crushed) Leave him numb, leave him crushed
~ The Theft by Atreyu One of the most beautiful songs in the world.
@ 10:33 PM
  no ones talking to me on msn. as usual. i'm sitting in the library all alone. as usual. i cried in the shower. as usual. kelsey didn't talk to me. as usual. no one talked to me. as usual. why am i sad? cos i'm always sad. cos no one ever cares. i think i'm going crazy. and i'm serious. i mean text-book crazy. as in psychotic. i feel psychotic.
had a 'talk' with ms forward yesterday lunchtime. she's gonna help me write applications for some jobs. and she's gonna write a reccommendation letter for me. she's so nice. i don't see why everyone hates her. she's just misunderstood. i've noticed that we have a lot in common. when i was talking to her she said she was a lot like me when she was my age. i feel like i can talk to her about anything. but i'm scared. what if i tell her something and it leaks out? or she tells my parents? i dunno what to do. i feel like telling her everything. ;( now mrs sarg knows too. during history she came in the class and told ms stevens to tell me to see her after class. so i did. and she said she wanted me to go for the math class so i can meet new people. and other stuff. she said quite a bit. i'm so scared. i dunno what to do.
today's christie's and steff's birthdays. HAPPY BIRTHDAY both of you. :D
i wish i was dead. i really do. i wanna die. im sick of crying everyday. i'm sick of being sad. i'm sick of everything.
Friday, October 06, 2006 @ 8:22 PM
  damn. i always feel like shit nowadays. i don't know what her problemo is. must be me. she talks to everyone else but me. well two can play that game missy. you wanna ignore me? go ahead. some best friend you are. i hate you. your a liar. not only did you lie to me about this whole 'best friend' thing cos your definitely not my best friend, but you also lied to me about him. why didn't you tell me? stupid bitch. i hate you x2. go fuck your gorgeous boyfriend. i feel sick just thinking about you.
Thursday, October 05, 2006 @ 12:50 AM
  yayness. just finished my history homework. :D so proud of myself. 10 pages on the weaknesses and strengths of the weimar republic. woah thats a lot. didn't mean to right that much lol. oh well. today was such a bad day. kelsey totally ignored me the whole day. and its like when i tried to talk to her yesterday, she said she was tired. but today she looked alright to me. yakking away to everyone except me. then during recess and lunch she didn't even bother to come to the geog room. i was there the whole time. during art, she didn't even look at me. i have one word for her: bitch. fuck off kelsey. i don't need people like you in my life. you say i'm your best friend... well you certainly don't treat me like one.
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